During a divorce many people find it hard to be their usual selves. Normally calm and composed individuals find themselves short tempered, irritable and not in a mood to negotiate. The bitterness or guilt from the events leading up to the divorce, as well as the process of going through all the legal paperwork and negotiations can be enough to try anyone’s patience. Yet, there are merits to keeping your cool and being the best version of yourself through the process of a divorce, especially during mediation. Here’s how.
Visualize exchanges before they happen
It may be hard to avoid emotions getting in the way of logic. Divorce mediation isn’t about proving who is wrong or who is right. And it certainly isn’t about winning and losing. If you feel you are likely to get angry or upset about a certain issue, visualize how you will respond to what your spouse will say. Plan and prepare your response in your mind so you are cool during the actual meeting. Decisions driven by emotion and taken in the heat of the moment may leave you with regret or worse yet, make your spouse combative and lose you precious ground.
Use meditation and calming techniques
Yoga and meditation are great to both relax and center you. It will help you cope better with your issues and make your mind stronger and better equipped for what lies ahead.
Focus on your kids
If you have children, spend time with them. Do things you love together. Take them to the park, plan a picnic or a trip to the zoo, or go watch a fun movie together. It will help you and them both. Children can be great de-stressors and remind you of why this is all going to be worth it.
Do some homework
Heading into a mediation with a preconceived notion of what the outcome should be, and how genial the discussions are going to be is as bad as going in blind. If things don’t go to plan, you may feel betrayed by the process and lose focus. Be sure to stay informed, but not too set in your expectations.
Practice listening
You might not be in the mood to listen to what your estranged ex has to say, but listening gives you a window into their side of things that could even work to your advantage tomorrow. If you knew for instance, that they felt strongly on a certain area that was critical to you too, you would be able to better prepare to address that issue and come to a solution that is workable. Read up and hone your listening skills.
If you lose your cool during mediation, you will expose the chinks in your armor to your ex. Should all the details of your divorce settlement agreement not be resolved during mediation, and you find yourself in court battling it out, these weaknesses could be exploited by your ex’s legal team, so make the effort to keep calm and collected and be your best self.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Much has been said and written about divorce mediation, and yet there are some things no one really tells you. Here are a few things you should know before you get into your first session.
Even if you arrive at an agreement, you may need a lawyer
While it is reassuring to have arrived at a mutually agreeable settlement during the divorce mediation process, it is still advisable to consult with a divorce attorney before finalizing the paperwork. This is especially critical if your mediation is being conducted by someone without a background in family law. It also helps to ensure the terms of the settlement are legally enforceable and that all your needs have been met adequately. A good divorce attorney can spot loopholes and advise on any tweaks that can help make it watertight or take care of contingencies, as the case may be.
What goes on in mediation stays private
Sharing details of your marital life to an absolute stranger is never easy. A lot of couples going through a divorce worry that unlike an attorney-client relationship that is bound by certain confidentiality norms, a mediator-client equation may be different. If this is something that has held you back from mediation, banish the thought. You and your soon-to-be ex, as well as anyone else involved in the mediation will sign confidentiality agreements before starting the process to ensure none of what is shared during mediation sessions leaves the room.
There’s no such thing as a ‘typical mediator’
While there are different types of divorce mediators in terms of their professional backgrounds and qualifications, no two mediators are alike. Going with a mediator who is a counseling specialist is no guarantee that your sessions will necessarily be any less volatile. Depending on their individual experience and background, a divorce mediation specialist comes with their own set of unique skills. But it is the manner in which they conduct the sessions and their personal style that is often the differentiator for most couples. Take the time to meet with a few divorce mediators before you settle on one. Find somebody you are comfortable with. Within a larger firm, you may have the opportunity to talk to a couple of different people and finalize on working with the person you get the best vibes from.
Mediation is cheaper
It might not seem like it, but divorce mediation is actually cheaper than your alternatives. While you do pay for the mediation services of the independent mediator, this is often less expensive than having multiple meetings with your divorce attorneys to iron out the same issues. In addition, unlike a mediator who is trained to encourage dialogue, an attorney may not always be able to help open up channels to get you and your spouse talking. As such, you may end up seeing your divorce being settled in court and are likely to run up hefty legal bills.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Divorce mediation can be enough of a challenge between coordinating the schedules of you, your spouse, and the mediator. But what happens if you throw the hurdle of geography into the mix? How does mediation cross state lines and is divorce mediation even an option in such cases?
The challenges of an interstate divorce
With interstate couples, one option is to go the lawyer route and opt for a collaborative divorce or let the law take its course. This might make things a lot more expensive as you both run up huge legal bills.
On the other hand, there is also the option to go the traditional divorce mediation route. But how do you pick which city to do your mediation in? Unless both spouses can agree on a location, with one person flying in or driving down for each session, this can also become tedious.
Last minute rescheduling on account of work or other commitments can make the mediation process even more difficult and even expensive.
Divorce mediation for the 21st century
Technology could come to your rescue if you are like many interstate couples struggling to find a cost-effective and efficient route to their divorce related hassles. Virtual mediation is an alternative that’s growing in popularity. It has all the benefits of a traditional face-to-face mediation, but extended to apply to interstate divorces. All it takes is a mediation specialist willing to go this route and videoconferencing at all three locations – where you are, where you ex is, and where the mediator sits.
The big benefit with this form of mediation, over even a regular meditation for couples in the same geography, is that it makes it easier for everyone to attend. Scheduling becomes less of a hassle as couple can go through their negotiation anytime, from anywhere.
Another advantage is that it allows you to pick a divorce mediator on the basis of their skill and not on factors like how far their offices are from you or ex. In the able hands of the best mediators, your mediation sessions are also likely to be more productive, helping you wrap up and come to an agreement faster.
What it will take however, is a tech savvy mediator who is willing to take this step with you. Also note that the mediator must be from a state where one of the two spouses meets the local residency laws. Beyond that, their skill is at your service to help guide you and your partner through the mediation process as they would in a typical divorce mediation setting.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how virtual online mediation can be a viable option in your case, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
There are three important aspects that summarize the terms of a divorce mediation process. They are asset division, future contact and children. Divorce mediation is a process that is handled via mediation. Both spouses can have their respective lawyers present. The aim of this procedure is to ensure that both parties benefit equally from the separation and erase unequal wealth distribution.
Asset division: May seem obvious but it comes as no surprise that most often people overlook this simple task. It is important to be well prepared before you appear for the mediation. Have all the required documents of divorce mediation checklist ready. Apart from the checklist, list out the assets that you are absolutely adamant on possessing and those you can do without. The initial procedure of mediation starts off as a negotiation. Being well prepared will yield better results. There is a difference between walking into an arena with your head held high and well prepared than being forced into it, clueless.
Future contact: You will need some sort of continued contact if there are kids involved. It is extremely harsh to alienate the children from either parent regardless of their actions. You may have a common friends circle and bumping into each other is inevitable. During the mediation process chalk out a code of conduct if you were to meet. Don’t be vindictive and attempt at being cordial, at the very least. If you can’t look into each other’s eye, the least that you can do is acknowledge the other’s presence. You aren’t required to be the best of chums but treat each other with the basic respect that every individual demands. This will ward off any successive conflicts that may arise over time.
The children: Children get dragged in unnecessarily into the adult’s conflicts. Partners who apply for a divorce, sometimes, get so involved in accusations that they often forget about the children. Children are more central in divorce mediation than the adults. It will be useful to come up with a logical plan to make the divorce easier for the children. Try to keep the children out of court, if possible. Make an out of court settlement. Children shouldn’t witness the ugly court-room drama. The lawyer can present alternatives and suitable offers. Discuss child custody and visiting hours.
Put in your best effort to ensure that the divorce is in the best interest of both parties.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Successful divorce mediation requires both spouses to divulge complete and true information of all documents in their financial disclosure forms and the Divorce Mediation Checklist form. The information may be voluminous when both parties have many assets and individual debts. Most people who’ve been through a divorce agree that this phase of cataloging information is the most testing time of the proceeding.
When all the paperwork is in place, the attorney or the mediator will take over the reins and direct the proceedings as smoothly as possible.
The ordeal will seem worth the effort and time invested when the settlement is in the best interest of both parties. When all the documents are in order it is easier to identify the needs of either partner and reach a mutually agreed settlement. With the help of a right mediator, you can iron out your differences and reach a common figure regardless of the ill-feelings held towards each other.
The divorce mediation checklist
All the required documents can be categorized into four categories:
Assets: This includes information of both spouses (name, DOB, marriage date, annual income, employment status, contact number and address); details of the children, bank statements, statement of children’s account (CD’s, 529 plans, college fund etc.); stock investment details, vehicle details, pending lawsuits, if any when either or both spouse are listed as plaintiffs; settlements of loans, pension plans, other cash benefit plans (golden parachute plans), personal property appraisal and business valuation (in case of joint business ventures).
Liabilities: The balance statements of all home equity loans, or credit held against any personal property, vehicle loans statements, student loans if any, statements for private loans (written or verbal when either or both spouse are debtor(s)), all credit card statements, information on civil case when either spouse is a defendant.
Income & Taxes: Statement of income (pay stubs) and W-2 or 1099 employment statement for the last six months. Tax related documents like copies of federal and state tax returns for the last 3 years and supporting W-2 and 1099 forms; copies of corporate tax returns if the couple runs a joint business venture or individually.
Insurance: Declaration sheets of all life insurance policies must be presented along with a written statement of payment towards the same and disability policy if held by a partner.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Mediation is a way of resolving any issues or disputes that may arise between the couple, and is handled by a third party member, who can listen to both the people involved, and come to a conclusive decision. It is an effective way of managing divorce settlements, because everyone present can give their own inputs, talk about the own requirements and come to a negotiation. The husband and wife can take control over the matters themselves, and decide what would be best for them and their family, with the help of the mediator. In divorce litigation, there’s no single person overseeing the discussion. Both the husband and the wife need to hire their own attorneys who argue their cases.
The major difference
While a mediator isn’t representing either parties, and is acting as a neutral third person who has the husband’s and also the wife’s interests in mind, a divorce attorney cannot represent them both. He can be hired by either one of them, while the other hires their own divorce attorney to argue their case.
Legal expertise of a lawyer can be helpful even when the husband and wife are agreeing in most cases and have a fairly good idea of how they want the proceedings to go. This is because sometimes, in cases where the assets that need to be divided are too large, only an expert with proper financial knowledge can help in doing so. A lawyer is usually hired when the parties are conflicting, because in that case, they need someone who can help them in appealing their case and trying to direct the divorce in their favor. Custody battles are one of those issues, where both parents are likely to want to keep their children with them. This is where the lawyer can come in and try to prove why his client is better suited for taking care of the kids.
Amicable divorce
When the divorce is amicable, and the parties involved see eye-to-eye, then hiring a mediator can be the wiser decision. They are good at coming up with solutions for any issues that might come up during planning of the divorce. Also, hiring a mediator is a lot less expensive than hiring a lawyer, and usually the husband and wife share the fee.
The husband and wife can still hire their own individual attorneys, after having consulted a mediator, for additional advice and his expertise.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
A mediator is a neutral third party, who sits down with the two people who want a divorce, and discusses their arrangement, what works for them and what doesn’t. They have to be really good at resolving any issues that might come up during the discussion, by coming up with solutions that are agreeable to both parties. This is no easy feat, by any means, and hence finding the right person for the job can be very difficult. However, there are a few things that you should particularly look for, when trying to find a good divorce mediator.
Look for a committed mediator
First and foremost, your mediator should be committed to divorce mediation, meaning that he or she truly believes in it and not simply as a secondary option. If the person you have decided on is also a divorce litigation attorney who is also a trained mediator, that’s okay as long as that person can recognize what cases can and should be mediated, and those that should be litigated, without the cost thereof being the determining factor. They have to be compassionate, listening to both the side and keeping both their requirements in mind, in order to come up with something negotiable. In order to ensure that the family remains emotionally stable, they need to be able to genuinely care for what might be the best solution for everyone. They also have to have a thorough understanding of financial matters, when handling settlement for various assets.
Check the mediator’s background
For someone who needs to discuss child custody, you should approach a mediator who has a background in therapy and understands family dynamics. A divorce causes a bigger impact on the lives of children than it does on the parents. Therefore, their welfare has to be kept in mind. They must also showcase a practical approach to handling these situations, instead of getting swayed away by emotions, because that may lead to some unfair judgments. They should also be well-educated about the law regarding this matter, and be able to explain things concerning the divorce to both parties, thoroughly. He would talk about the option of hiring divorce lawyers, what that would involve, how things might proceed in the court and what the likely result would be.
Lastly, a good mediator is one who offers his services at a reasonable cost. If divorce mediation costs just as high as the whole process of the divorce usually is, then it might be even more difficult for people to go ahead with the proceedings.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Did you know that according to a study, nearly half of couples that live in America have encountered some form of domestic abuse? This means that there is a chance that any marriage that goes towards a divorce will have traces of domestic violence in it.
Typically, cases of out and out domestic abuse are brought before the law, with the courts treading with caution in their dealing of the case. However, with more and more people opting for divorce mediation instead of litigation, the question is whether mediation can handle cases of domestic violence? Especially, because in most cases, the evidence comes to light only once the process has begun.
What Should They Do?
A domestic violence abuse is a serious offence. The issue needs to be handled with care. If such an accusation comes to light in front of a divorce mediator, they will have to follow the standard protocol of couple screening to judge whether they are capable of mediation. The aim of the procedure is to take a look at the balance of power that exists between the two spouses. Which spouse dominates the other and if there is any such threat of the physical or emotional abuse happening again.
The most important thing to realize about mediation is that one of the foremost priorities of a divorce mediator is to ensure the safety of the parties involved in the proceedings.
Can Domestic Violence work as the basis of a Divorce Case?
There is no right answer to this question and the answer will largely depend on the extent of the abuse, the nature of the abuse and the continuity of the abuse. One of the reasons why a spouse decides to end their relation has got to do with them not feeling happy in their marriage. Sometimes, this may be because of physical abuse, other times, it might be due to emotional abuse.
The mere presence of domestic violence in a divorce case though, doesn’t make it impossible to mediate. If, for example, the domestic violence took place a long time ago, or if it took place in a one-time instance, it might not have the same effect as a recurring one would perhaps have.
Steps Taken in Such Cases
If the couple does decide to go ahead with divorce mediation, there are a number of steps that the mediator might take to ensure a safe and smooth process. Here is a low down on some of the steps that might be taken:
Arrange for exclusive communications
Have separate mediation sessions
Whether it is litigation or mediation, no method condones domestic violence. Unlike the court’s iron stamp, mediation is more cooperative in nature. Yet, to deal with cases of domestic violence, the approach and tactics are typically changed.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
If you were given the chance of having to choose a companion for your child post-divorce, which one would you choose, a new adult best friend or a new step-parent? Ideally, most parents would choose the former. Yet, the issue of a step-parent can have its lasting repercussions, primarily because they can plant the foundations of conflict at a time when both the child and the parent are going through the pain of divorce.
What is an over-stepping step-parent?
There is no set formula used to describe what an overstepping step-parent is. The answer lies in the eyes of the co-parent. First up, the influence of a new person may not be welcomed by your ex- spouse, since to them, it would seem like they are being replaced. Yet, sometimes their complaints should be paid attention to.
When you are in Orange County divorce mediation, this topic is likely to come up. Here is what you need to do if such a situation arises and how can you deal with it.
· Listen to what the other parent says
When your co-parent allays their fear to you, the first thing you should do is talk to them and encourage them to speak up. Remember, the kid is as much yours as it is theirs and their concerns should be taken validly and seriously. Only when you have the details, will you be able to decide whether their complaint is based on actual grounds or mere insecurity.
· Make a list of the issues that they have
During your divorce mediation, you should ideally make a list of the things that the other parent is uncomfortable about with regards to your child’s step-parent. A list would help you clearly mark what can be done and what can’t. A list could also contain the bare minimum things the step parent can do. Such as:
Attend Parent-Teacher conferences
Go to volunteer in your child’s classroom
Help the child with their school projects
Give their input regarding a decision in the child’s life
Coach your child’s sport teams at least once a year or so
· Correct it if you see fit
The most important thing to understand is that just because the other spouse allayed their fears to you in divorce mediation doesn’t mean you have to act. The decision to act is yours. As long as you have child custody, the child is your responsibility. You should only act if you think that the fears of the other parent are based in fact. If that is the case, you can have a civil discussion with the step-parent and highlight the issues, clearly demarcating what they can and cannot do in relation to the child.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
“I don’t want to talk to my ex in mediation.” This is a common issue that Orange County divorce mediators have to deal with regularly. Some spouses that come to Orange County divorce mediation may come for the mediation process because they want to avoid the delay of litigation, even though they have a distinct hatred of their spouse in their hearts. Such spouses would often want to stay away from the other spouse. But how would mediation work when two spouses don’t even want to be in the same room?
Mediators Waving their Magic Wands
An Orange County divorce mediator is part of a mediation process for a reason. That reason is their supreme skills to make two warring parties communicate and settle down. There is an important saying in mediation that “A mediator urges warring parties to settle down in their differences rather than settle down their differences.” This is exactly what they are tasked with, even in such a situation.
They will need to take some of the sting, hatred and drama out of the divorce. Making sure that first up, the spouses are focused on the proceedings at hand and secondly, are aware of the life altering effect these decisions will have.
Yes, a spouse may not want to talk to the other spouse, it is perfectly natural. Yet, an Orange County mediator will need to outline to them just how important communication and effective resolution of such an issue is for them. The fact that they want to stay away from the other spouse and not talk to them will depend on how they work with the mediator and the spouse to find a resolution. The quicker they can resolve the issue, the faster the couple can make their divorce official and go their separate ways.
Talk to Them Today for You May need them Tomorrow
The thing about life is that two people can never truly stay apart, especially if they have shared a marital relation with one another. Your children for example, are a source of joy for both parties and both the parents would want the best for their children. Yet, co parenting, working on parenting plans, making sure child visitations are properly met and handing and taking over of child custody are all issues which warrant that the two parents have healthy relations.
Even if you don’t plan on talking to your ex spouse, you will at some point be needed to do just that and if you are unable to keep a relation of respect between you two, the conversation could be troublesome for you.
Hence, Orange County divorce mediators encourage spouses that hate each other to still come to the communication table, discuss their differences out, and make sure they reach a peaceful resolution for the sake of their future life.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
During a divorce many people find it hard to be their usual selves. Normally calm and composed individuals find themselves short tempered, irritable and not in a mood to negotiate. The bitterness or guilt from the events leading up to the divorce, as well as the process of going through all the legal paperwork and negotiations can be enough to try anyone’s patience. Yet, there are merits to keeping your cool and being the best version of yourself through the process of a divorce, especially during mediation. Here’s how.
Gerald A. Maggio is a trained Orange County divorce mediator who has amicably resolved cases many cases out of court, as well as an experienced divorce and family law attorney. Mr. Maggio founded California Divorce Mediators in 2012 with the belief that although “not every marriage can be saved, every family can” and a mission to save families from the financial and emotional distress associated with traditional divorce litigation. California Divorce Mediators is located in Irvine, California, and serves the Orange County area and other counties in California offering divorce mediation, child custody mediation and mediation of other family law matters. 
