There are many emotions brought by a divorce. This is especially true when the couple has had a bad time in their marriage. It is normal to go through feelings such ad fear, fury, sadness, and anxiety. However, you need to remember that the degree of emotions will slowly subside with the passage of time. So, when you are undergoing a divorce process it is better to be calm. So do not get agitated as this would only spoil your health. Studies have shown that people who are composed during such times are better equipped to manage the difficulties that accompany a divorce process. Do not continue a blame game with your partner as nothing would come out of it eventually.
Stop being resentful
Divorce should not be looked upon as a means of settling scores or a way to take revenge against your spouse. If you regard the resolution of your marriage as a battle, there is a high possibility that the divorce process will be more expensive and time-consuming. It is recommended to go for divorce mediation so that you can avoid the long and tiring courtroom proceedings and end up hating one another even more. Studies have also proved that it can help to support the needs of the kids as well as getting emotional satisfaction.
Focus on a smooth split
In many cases, it is not unusual that you do not want to talk to your spouse from whom you intend to part soon. However, despite the ill-feelings, aim for a smooth split. Cooperation, as well as proper communication, will help in making the process healthier and less stressful for both the parties, Moreover when you seek the help of a psychologist and a divorce mediator, you and our estranged partner can avoid conflicts and bitterness.
Do not neglect your health
This is a phase when you must take good care of your health. Speak to your family and friends for comfort and support. Alternatively, the idea of joining a formal support group also makes sense as they help you to cope up with your pent up emotions. There are many people who begin a fresh chapter after their divorce by taking up new hobbies or indulging in activities they had not attempted before. Even you can start doing the same. Make sure to eat well and be physically fit. When the divorce gets nasty, your spouse and you start despising one another even more. Now, that is not good as you still have joint responsibilities as parents. So, try to be amicable while parting since it is good for your sanity, purse, and kids.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Marriage is not an easy relationship. There are several cases when couples started their married life with the best intentions but ended up getting divorced. There could be various reasons for which couples get divorced. Here are some of the most common reasons for couples ending up being in divorce court.
Extra-marital affairs or adultery
According to a report published by AARP, even today, adultery plays a big role in people filing for divorce. But, reports also claim that there are several reasons that lead to a spouse getting into an extra-marital affair such as unequal sexual urges, getting distant, having different interests, resentment and fury.
Gain in weight or obesity
Though it may appear as a surprising reason, unusual weight gain by one of the spouses is also known to be a major reason why couples get divorced. A survey conducted by Men’s Health magazine reported that when one of the spouses gains a lot of weight, it can come in the way of their marital bliss. If your spouse does not attract or get turned on to your body, there could be problems like resentment and rejection, which can be marriage-threatening issues.
Monetary issues
According to a report published by the American Journal of Sociology, when a husband is unemployed, it can be a major criterion for divorce. In other words, lack of or insufficient money can cause big problems in a marriage, often leading to a divorce. If a married couple faces financial on strainers, there could be a lot of stress. This can further lead to a lack of proper communication and constant arguing. There are many couples who have different views on the others’ spending habits. Relationships may undergo lots of stress where one controls or has the finances, which often end up in a divorce.
Lack of proper communication
Often you will hear people saying that proper communication is the key to a successful marriage. Many relationship coaches opine that negative communication or lack of communication may diminish feelings of romance and love between couples. When a couple stops having effective communication, marital troubles leading to a divorce are not unusual.
Abuse
Abuse can be either a spouse being physically or emotionally abused by the other spouse. These are a common reason why many couples get divorced. Verbal or physical fighting that happens frequently between couples may make their relationship volatile and eventually end up in a divorce.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
A divorce can actually be a life-shattering experience for many people. But you just cannot be down and remain submerged in your agony. Check out the following steps to revive and lead a new life once the divorce proceedings are over.
You should realize that there is no need to go through this pain all alone
It can be quite a scary position to reach out for help and can be somewhat uncomfortable, moreover sharing your darkest and most-guarded secrets with a person you do not know well on matters related to your feelings and thought processes can be a tough proposition. But, if you find somebody trustworthy to talk to, you will start feeling much better. When you find that special helping hand, you can share your pains, find a shoulder to cry and finally get healed. And that is precisely the time when you start growing and feel that your comfort zone is also growing in the positive direction. You create a safe place to share your miserable experiences with that person and with time feel much better than before.
Remind yourself that there was a time when you coped up bigger issues comfortably
There are times when everyone requires a reminder about phases in their lives when they had stayed outside their comfort zones before. You should realize that the emotional upheavals that you are going through will also become a thing of the past. So, it is always recommended to think back at all those times when you were courageous and in complete control, did not shirk taking up a risk and enjoy the benefits of your success. Do you remember how you felt at those times? Try to remember that feeling and note it down in detail? These could include who gave you company, what you were up to, what you said and even the kind of outfits you wore and your exact feelings when you got success. You can come out of your comfort zone once again once you revert to that feeling of positive energy and exhilaration. Since you have succeeded in the past, you can definitely do it once more.
Take small steps at a time till the time you are completely sure
Take small and cautious steps before you plunge into bigger things, especially when you are trying to do something that you are not much comfortable with. Taking corrective measures are easier when you take baby steps.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
During a divorce process, there are many emotions that take place in the minds of the affected spouses. One of the major ones among them is worrying. Though worrying is not necessarily bad, how one deal with it can be a major concern? It can even become paralyzing, preventing people from getting the required work done. It can even go to the extent of draining one’s energies completely while the divorce proceeding is going on.
Here are some of the steps you can take to stop worrying while your divorce is going on.
Chalk out a plan to resolve the problem
If you are worrying due to a specific reason, document a plan on how to rectify the problem that may be helpful in minimizing the impact of the issue. For instance, in case you are worried about how the split of the assets will happen, then some steps should be taken. In case there is a possibility of some hidden assets, you can take the help of a forensic accountant to hunt out for off-shore money or funds, which could have been transferred to some other party. You can also avail the services of a financial advisor to recommend what is best for you. For instance, if you are in your fifties, your interest will be in retirements rather than some other investments.
Find out about the root cause of the worrying concern
You need to ponder upon the reason that is actually bothering you. This is to address it before it gets too serious, the root cause of the issue can be something that is quite unexpected for instance a spouse may be worried about losing his or her marital home. When you discuss the concern with your dear ones, you may find out that your worry is more about the security the house represented rather than the house itself. Sometimes, such realization could allow you to approve of selling the house.
Restrict your worrying time
Curtail your daily thinking time to about 30 minutes or less than that. When you go on thinking about your problem endlessly, it will only escalate your problems further. Rather, jot your problems down and prepare an action plan to handle them. When you feel that your worry is out of control, just let it go. Rather, divert your concerns to what you can control rather than what you cannot.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Psychological stress during a divorce is common and most individuals who go through a divorce experience it. Often, those who experience psychological stress were not prepared for what was in store for them. The unpreparedness catches them off guard and the consequences are much worse than they are supposed to be. There are different stages of psychological stress during and after a divorce and individuals who are going through one should be wary of them.
Stage 1: Blame
No one wants to admit that the divorce is happening because of them. Everyone wants to blame the spouse for every little thing that may or may not have resulted in the separation. Every couple going through a divorce likes playing the blame game. Also, blaming a spouse for the divorce makes one fell less guilty about the divorce.
Stage 2: Anger
Anger is a common feeling because most feel cheated when their spouse decides to call it quits. However, anger is the cause for treat psychological stress and individuals often find themselves suffering from a range of mental problems.
Stage 3: Sadness
When the divorce finally sinks in, a divorcee mourns the loss of his/her marriage. It is not uncommon to feel this way especially when one individual was happy with the marriage. Sadness is linked with a number of psychological issues with depression being the most common one. A depressed individual will show non-reciprocity towards happy feelings or things that people normally like doing. Depression has been a major cause of concern for many Americans.
Stage 4: Moving on
The time that individuals take to move from stage 3 to stage 4 varies. Some take months, some years while others don’t move at all. Moving on in life involves accepting the situation the way it is. From a psychological point of view, moving on after a divorce means accepting all that is good in life and rejecting those that cause harm.
Conclusion
Divorces are never easy and individuals who go through a divorce are also victims of psychological problems. There are different psychological stages that an individual goes through namely blame, anger, sadness and moving on. The stages start from the time of divorce proceeding and continues long after the divorce gets finalized. It is a good idea to see a counselor or a mediator and in some cases even a psychologist to help you deal with such problems.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Grandparents often remain in the dark about their children’s divorce because they are not informed about each and every event of the divorce. There might be many reasons as to why children shy away from involving their parents in the divorce but it is mostly due to emotional trauma. They also feel that their grandparents will of little help. But in reality, it’s quite the opposite actually. Grandparents play an important role during divorce and some of them are listed below.
They are the best people to take care of your kids
A grandparent’s home is the second-best place for kids. However, during a divorce it’s the best. While you’ll be busy handling different issues pertaining to your divorce, your children may feel ignored. Also, if you keep them at your grandparent’s home, you won’t have to continuously worry about their safety.
They can be your best friends
Divorce is a time of great stress and trauma and it is the time when you need your family and close friends. Your parents can act as both. They can also give you good advice because they have more experience than you when it comes to family.
They can act as mediators
Since you’ve already decided to go ahead with your divorce, you know the importance of a mediator. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if someone close to you did the mediation process? Look no further because your parents are the perfect people for the job. Along with mediation they can help you with custody and child support plans. Moreover, they will do it for free which is again great because saving finances is also a priority during divorce.
Kids feel comfortable around grandparents
Research has shown that kids who spend time with their grandparents are happier than children who don’t. Children show signs of euphoria when they are around their grandparents. And it’s no secret that a grandmother’s home is one of the best places to be on this Earth.
Conclusion
If you’re going through a divorce don’t ignore your parents especially if you have kids because they can help you in more ways than one. A grandparent’s home is the best place for kids to be during your divorce. First, they will stay away from all the trouble and second, you and your spouse can deal issues without too much distraction. Your parents are also your best guide and can act as mediators during your divorce proceeding.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Not all divorce cases can be mediated and some can get downright ugly, and you may find yourself being the victim of a partner making nasty threats against you. These are often empty threats that do not hold up in court and you should not let them affect you.
1. “I Will Tell the Judge…Make Sure You Don’t Get the Kids”
Custody related threats are some of the most common ones. Ironically, these threats are made by partners who are least likely to receive custody. So, if you’ve been at the receiving end of this threat, just ignore it. It is purely a defensive tactic.
Also, don’t panic when you hear that your personal life can be exposed in the court. In actuality, the threat rarely works because it rarely has any bearing on the actual case.
2. “You Can’t Have My Money”
California follows the community property law. So, your property will be divided equally between your spouse and you. However, property that has been inherited or gifted doesn’t come under this law. This threat has no value irrespective of whether you’re the one receiving it or giving it.
3. “I’ll Quit My Job to Avoid Paying You”
This is a threat that might need to be proven before it can be used in court. If proven, the support obligations will continue. In the case of child support, courts will impute income by looking at all sources of income, even if the parent is involuntarily unemployed.
4. “You Won’t See the Kids Again”
If the custodial parent prevents visitation, he/she will actually be ordered to provide more visitation hours and even incur the travel costs associated with it. In fact, this is one of the reasons why courts shift custody between parents.
5. “I’ll Go to Prison Before I Pay You”
Spousal and child support is taken very seriously in California. So, the state has several tools to enforce it. IF your ex-spouse avoids paying you, he/she can be jailed for contempt of court. That’s enough to convince most people that they need to keep up with their support payments. Nobody ever really wants willingly to go to jail.
One more thing to remember is that threats are made by people who think they have absolute control over the situation. However, reality is quite different.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and if divorce mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Most divorces today are not only excessively time-consuming, but also financially devastating for both the parties involved. From the rising costs of counseling to the exorbitant per-hour rates of legal professionals, a divorce has become one of the most expensive legal affairs in the country. A typical divorce proceeding can cost you up to several thousand dollars and leave you with a huge gaping hole in your pocket. However, by having a solid plan and using your wisdom, you can spare yourself the additional stress of witnessing an empty bank account. Let us have a look at a few smart tips that can effectively help you curb your ruthless expenditure on your divorce litigation.
Avoid excessive communication with your lawyer
Your attorney will charge you for every hour that you spend with him. Every time you contact your lawyer for a trivial issue or question, you will be losing more money. The idea here is to limit your communication with the lawyer, and ensure that you prepare a list of questions that you wish to ask your lawyer in the next meeting. Instead of calling him up or dropping a mail every time a doubt pops up in your mind, you must wait until you have multiple points of a discussion with him. Also, try and keep all the relevant documents organized and within easy access, to avoid dropping in at your attorney’s office to resolve the issue of missing paperwork.
Try divorce mediation
Mediation is a cost effective and less time consuming way of obtaining a divorce, than a full blown court trial. If you and your spouse still have some level of amiability in your relationship and are ready to resolve the conflict with a mutual agreement, you can seek the legal counsel of a neutral third party known as a mediator to help you achieve a peaceful separation. Such uncontested divorce not only helps you find resolutions that are suitable for both the parties, but also minimizes the extra expenditure that might otherwise go into a lengthy court trial.
Avoid battling over assets that you do not really need
More often than not, in our ego and resentment for our ex spouse, we tend to fight over silly issues that do not even matter much to us. It is natural to fight for a piece of asset or property, just so that it does not go to your spouse who desperately wants to keep it. However, before wasting thousands of dollars over the ownership of assets that you really don’t care about, you must try and figure out whether this mindless expenditure is even worth it or not.
Most importantly, you must contest your divorce with an open and practical bent of mind, since after the storm subsides, you will be faced with the harsh reality of trying to start a new life with the little resources you are left with after an expensive divorce.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
A divorce can be a highly traumatizing and overwhelming situation for a child. Although a divorce is a stressful time for the partners getting separated, it is actually the children involved who suffer the deepest impact of a broken family. Given their tender age and still developing cognition, it is very perplexing for a child to understand the complexities of a divorce and visualize it for what is really is. Many a time, the children end up bashing themselves as a reason for the family to fall apart. As adults, it is our responsibly to support our children in these testing times and make them understand that a divorce is not the end of the world. Let us have a look at a few guidelines that will help your child adjust to the transition from a happy family to a family with a single parent.
Tell the truth
It is very important for your child to understand the situation in a mature and practical way. However, you must try to spare your child a comprehensive explanation of the intricacies of why your marriage didn’t work out. You can put it in a simple and straightforward manner by saying that ‘Mommy and Daddy are unhappy with the everyday fighting and do not wish to upset everyone anymore’ so that your child actually understands what you are trying to say.
Reassure your child
The most horrifying aspect of a divorce for a child is his insecurity of losing out on the love of their parents. As aforementioned, in most cases, the children end up blaming themselves for the situation. However, we as adults know how untrue this is. It is important to reassure your child that it is not their fault that your marriage didn’t work out and that both their father and mother will love them, regardless of the separation. Your child needs to know that although everything around them is changing drastically, the one thing that will stay constant is your compassion for them.
Ensure their routine
Most children thrive on the routine they have been following ever since they developed a sense of how things work in everyday life. Kids tend to feel more secure when they are aware of what to expect next. You can keep your child calm and help them adapt to the new life by sticking to their daily routine and giving them their regular playtime and nap time even in the new home.
And last but not the least, allowing your child to express their feeling openly in front of you, will help them deal with the pent up emotions that might otherwise be detrimental to their mental well-being.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
What with the obvious anguish and stress of a shattered life, the involvement of a toxic spouse can make it even harder for you to deal with your divorce. The stubborn and aggressive attitude of a resentful partner can not only promote additional conflicts and disputes in your already damaged relationship but can also considerably prolong the litigation process due to frequent disagreements by him/her over trivial matters. However, there are several ways in which you can effectively deal with the undue outbursts and tantrums of your angry spouse and make the divorce process smoother for the both of you.
Control your own emotions
It is natural to respond negatively to volatile situations that target your self-esteem or reputation. However, you must understand that you will only make the situation worse by indulging in a similar behavior as your aggressive spouse. Since you are already seeking help for controlling the excessive negativity of your spouse, it is safe to say that you are the more sensible and reasonable of the two. It is, therefore advisable, to keep your calm and stay neutral, especially in situations where your spouse seems to be deliberately instigating a fight.
Motivate your spouse with money
Although in a fit of rage, it is difficult to use one’s rationale and distinguish wrong from right, you can always try to speak with your angry partner about the financial repercussions of a prolonged and hostile divorce. Money is an effective approach to motivate your spouse to refrain from lashing out at every single issue and creating undue disagreements over things that really do not matter. Make him/her understand that by being a little reasonable, he/she can effectively save thousands over the litigation process.
Consult a therapist
A professional therapist or divorce counselor can effectively help you identify ways of dealing with the actions of a manipulative and controlling spouse. By talking openly about your concerns and pent up feelings, you will be able to free yourself from the burden of unresolved emotions and become better equipped to handle the frustration of dealing with your aggressive spouse. A therapist can also assist you with ways and strategies of calmly and wittingly responding to the unreasonable actions of your difficult spouse and save the day.
Although dealing with an intimidating and difficult partner is not easy, with a few behavioral changes in yourself, you can effectively handle the constant tension in your relationship.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
There are many emotions brought by a divorce. This is especially true when the couple has had a bad time in their marriage. It is normal to go through feelings such ad fear, fury, sadness, and anxiety. However, you need to remember that the degree of emotions will slowly subside with the passage of time. So, when you are undergoing a divorce process it is better to be calm. So do not get agitated as this would only spoil your health. Studies have shown that people who are composed during such times are better equipped to manage the difficulties that accompany a divorce process. Do not continue a blame game with your partner as nothing would come out of it eventually.
Gerald A. Maggio is a trained Orange County divorce mediator who has amicably resolved cases many cases out of court, as well as an experienced divorce and family law attorney. Mr. Maggio founded California Divorce Mediators in 2012 with the belief that although “not every marriage can be saved, every family can” and a mission to save families from the financial and emotional distress associated with traditional divorce litigation. California Divorce Mediators is located in Irvine, California, and serves the Orange County area and other counties in California offering divorce mediation, child custody mediation and mediation of other family law matters. 
