As thousands of couples decide to end their marriages every year, their kids are also affected in the process. But their reactions will depend to a large extent on their personality, the circumstances under which the parents decided to separate and their age. Kids often get affected when their parent’s divorce. Often, the first reaction these children go through is that of sorry, anger, frustration, sadness, and shock. However, these children can deal these feelings in a better way as they know how to cope up with stress. As an end result, many of them are more tolerant and flexible when they become young adults. At such trying times, the most crucial things both the parents can do are to help their children steer through it by taking the following steps:
Important steps
Try to minimize disruptions in the daily routines of their children.
Make sure that legal talks, heated arguments, and visible conflicts happen away from the kids.
Do not be negative in front of them. Conversation with close friends and private therapy sessions should not take place inside the house.
Both the parents should be involved in the lives of their kids. Indifference will hurt them more.
People going through divorce or separation require lots of emotional support from their families, clergy, professionals and friends. However, these adults should never seek support and help from their children though they may appear ready to do so.
Break the news gently
The moment you are completely sure of your divorce plans, you should speak to your children about the decision to separate. Yes, it will be not an easy task to break this news. In case it is possible, it is better if both the parents are present while the news is shared. Make sure that you adopt a neutral and unbiased tone and do not express your emotions of guilt, anger or disillusionment while telling them about your separation. Of possible rehearse how you are going to break the news from beforehand so that you go not lose your temper or become upset during the discussion.
You should discuss the matter in accordance with the temperament, maturity, and age of your kids. But one statement should be common. Whatever took place between both of you; your kids are not responsible for that. This is because a majority of the children feel that they should be blamed when things did not work out between their parents. So, it is extremely crucial that the parents reassure their kids about this.
Rather tell your children that at times the adults do not agree on things or their love for one another change and so they decide to live separately. But also tell them that children will tie the parents forever no matter what happens.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
When you are getting a divorce, your children are your most important worry. But, do not be sad, as studies prove that children can cope up with the divorce of their parents and even come out okay. Now, this may not always be the case. There are several kids who get emotionally wounded when their parent’s divorce. The wounds can stay on for the rest of their lives. Here are some of the steps you can take to make them feel secure and to convince them that they are not responsible for your divorce.
Reaffirm with your spouse that the emotional well-being of your child is a mutual priority
While you and your spouse may cease being together, that does not mean that you will not remain parents for your child. So, keep reciting this thought to yourself whenever you are mad at your former wife or husband. This thought should be also articulated to your ex whenever you interact.
While the divorce negotiations are on, try not arguing with your ex. While this action will need a lot of maturity and self-restraint, it should be attempted for the best interests of your kids. If it is essential, you can attend counseling together.
Demonstrate your maturity to your child or children all through the divorce proceeding
Steps like trying to go for litigation that may create animosity with your ex should be avoided as far as possible. Rather, you can opt for meditation to get your peace of mind. Try resolving your financial issues faster and then just move on.
Both the parents should remain involved in their child’s life for the latter’s best interest
To achieve this status quo, parents can opt for shared custody. Alternatively, it can also mean that the children stay with only one parent but meet the other one frequently. Such an initiative will increase the possibilities of your children’s emotional well-being remaining intact. Keep reiterating to yourself that the children require both their mother and father. It is irrelevant whether you can excel as an excellent single parent or not. It is important that your child does not feel abandoned due to the actions of one of the parents.
Overnight visitation arrangement can be stressful for your kids
It may not be easy for your children to constantly move from one home to the next. All children require additional support during these times. The children should have the liberty to be open about the distress they are going through from their other parent and get empathy from the parent they are living with.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Co-parenting is usually seen as a responsibility shared by divorced couples, but there is more to co-parenting than a simple responsibility. Co-parenting can also involve someone else other than the parents. When a parent and another person take care of the child, it is also known as co-parenting.
Do what is best for the child
When it comes to child custody or any other laws where children are involved, the California court always rules in favor of the children. If you are at a crossroad where you need to take important decisions regarding your children remember to do what is best for the children. Because it is the children that you will be ultimately worried about.
Don’t talk bad about your ex in front of the children
It’s natural to talk bad about your ex in front of your children especially when you have gone through a bad marriage. But always remember that in doing so it is your children who will get affected. Your ex will remain an important part of the responsibility towards your children. When you criticize your ex, a certain negativity develops in your children which can be dangerous in the long run.
Never tell your ex you are the better parent
At times, you will feel the urge to show your children that you are better than your ex but it’s a good idea to stay away from that notion. Saying that the other parent is bad won’t make you look like the best parent in the world. Moreover, such things don’t work in a court of law in California.
Establish rules and family values
Family rules and values are central to every parenting. Teaching your children the importance of family life can be a great way to keep things organized in life. Moreover, it will also help you and your ex maintain an amicable relationship. As a parent your main aim is to create a healthy environment for your children where they can grow and learn life’s important lessons. So what better place than their own home.
Make plans for in-law and family visits
After getting a divorce, having the support of your in-law and family members is very important even though you may not want to see them. It’s good because the children should not feel alienated after you get your divorce.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
It is the wish of every parent to be with his/her child after a divorce. But one of the worst consequences of divorce is that one parent must sacrifice his/her custodial rights for the other. According to state laws, non-custodial parents in California get visiting hours as set by the custody agreements. But parents often remain unsatisfied with such agreements. They want to spend more time with their children.
Consult an attorney
The best way to assess the agreement plan and work accordingly is by consulting an attorney. Non-custodial parents should seek the advice of an experienced lawyer and decide what works best for them. There are many good lawyers available in California and each offer their own set of expertise.
Always remember that every system has loopholes and a good lawyer knows where those exist and how they can be used for his/her client’s benefits.
Avoid visiting the court
One of the best ways to increase visiting hours or even get custody of your child is by finding contempt against your spouse and filing them in a court. However, in all likelihood, the judge dealing with your case might be burdened with work and may get irritated having to deal with a case that was supposed to be finished. It is possible for your plan to backfire if the judge feels you are deliberately trying to increase visiting hours.
It is therefore advised to avoid going to the court as much as possible after a judgement has been passed. Go only if the case is serious and requires a second hearing. Otherwise, simply stick to the advice of a divorce lawyer.
Take advantage of the system
As mentioned before, the system is full of loopholes. There are problems and identifying those problems should be your main aim. A non-custodial parent may request for a change in custodial plans when there is a substantial change in the situation. Substantial change includes emergencies, health, employment or denial of visitation.
If the California court believes the changes are negatively affecting a child, it may change the visiting hours and reestablish new plans for the non-custodial parents.
Conclusion
Changing custodial plans and visiting hours once they have been established can be tough but not impossible. The judicial system has weak spots which can be used in one’s favor. Courts can change custodial plans for non-custodial parents if it finds it in the child’s best interests.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
The “Right of First Refusal” concept in California divorce and custody cases awards one parent the first option to undertake the responsibility of the child in the absence of the other parent. What this means is that after a legal custody battle, one parent can take care of the child during the time that has been allotted for the other parent. The right of first refusal allows parents to take responsibility for child care instead of awarding it to a third party.
The right of first refusal has two advantages. First, the child is not put into the hands of a third party. Second, the costs for paying the third-party care provider is also avoided.
When can the right be exercised
Parents who are unavailable to take care of their children for more than 12 hours must notify the other parent prior to the unavailability. It gives the other parent plenty of time to consider the decision. If the other parent refuses to be present at the mentioned time, it becomes the custodial parent’s duty to look for an alternative care for his/her child.
For the right of first refusal to become actionable, deciding the period of time is very important. However, since there is no perfect timeframe which decides the right, it depends on case to case. It’s a good idea to include a divorce lawyer during such matters.
One of the most important factors for exercising the right of first refusal is geography. For the right to take place, parents need to stay close to each other. If the distance is too long, the right may not be of too much help.
When can it be misused
There have been instances where the right of first refusal has been misused. If you have not enjoyed a good relationship with your spouse, then he/she may not agree to your offer. During tight-knit custody battles, such rights can make a lot of difference in custody preferences.
A divorce affects children badly. It has negative psychological effects which can become physical if ignored. Custody battles are tough and the state of California has laws to make sure the child spends an equal amount of time with each parent. The right of first refusal was created to provide temporary custody to the other parent in the absence of the first one. It helps avoid the involvement of third parties and keeps the matter between the two parents.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Co-parenting your child along with your spouse in an amicable way can not only enhance the emotional stability of your little one but also help him/her experience the benefits of a healthy upbringing. However, it is extremely difficult for the separating parents to put aside their personal differences and conflicts and work in conjunction with each other for the sake of their child. Regardless of the ill feelings that you have for your ex, there are certain ways in which you can work out a cordial relationship with them and make the joint custody work.
#1: Be there for your child
It is possible to build a healthy relationship with your child by spending quality time with him/her. You must chalk out a workable routine with your ex regarding the visitation timings and try to adhere to the schedule regardless of your personal engagements. It is important for you to be emotionally available for your child during the visitation hours and actually take a deep interest in his/her daily life.
#2: Give up on your personal grudges
Although it natural to feel a sense of resentment for your ex, it is important to forgive each other and move ahead sans any grudges whatsoever. One way to deal with this is to see a therapist or talk to your near and dear ones about your feelings and release all those pent up emotions that might be bothering you. Children have a keen sense of observation. They will be able to tell when you are not comfortable and are upset in the presence of the other parent. It is advisable to spare your kid the display of your disagreements and try to keep things as normal as possible.
#3: Create consistent rules for both households
Routine is something that every child craves and requires in his/her everyday life for a better functioning. Although there are chances that the general rules in your house might be quite contrasting to those in your ex’s, it is important to stick to a common structure at least when it comes to your child’s everyday routine. When a child knows that his/her meal time, bedtime, study time and playtime are all standard in both the households, he/she finds comfort and solace in predictability and familiarity of everyday chores.
Most importantly, you must make it a point to remember that you love your kid more than you hate your ex and that it is in his/her best interest that you make him/her the focus of your life regardless of the anguish of a broken marriage.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
A divorce can be a highly traumatizing and overwhelming situation for a child. Although a divorce is a stressful time for the partners getting separated, it is actually the children involved who suffer the deepest impact of a broken family. Given their tender age and still developing cognition, it is very perplexing for a child to understand the complexities of a divorce and visualize it for what is really is. Many a time, the children end up bashing themselves as a reason for the family to fall apart. As adults, it is our responsibly to support our children in these testing times and make them understand that a divorce is not the end of the world. Let us have a look at a few guidelines that will help your child adjust to the transition from a happy family to a family with a single parent.
Tell the truth
It is very important for your child to understand the situation in a mature and practical way. However, you must try to spare your child a comprehensive explanation of the intricacies of why your marriage didn’t work out. You can put it in a simple and straightforward manner by saying that ‘Mommy and Daddy are unhappy with the everyday fighting and do not wish to upset everyone anymore’ so that your child actually understands what you are trying to say.
Reassure your child
The most horrifying aspect of a divorce for a child is his insecurity of losing out on the love of their parents. As aforementioned, in most cases, the children end up blaming themselves for the situation. However, we as adults know how untrue this is. It is important to reassure your child that it is not their fault that your marriage didn’t work out and that both their father and mother will love them, regardless of the separation. Your child needs to know that although everything around them is changing drastically, the one thing that will stay constant is your compassion for them.
Ensure their routine
Most children thrive on the routine they have been following ever since they developed a sense of how things work in everyday life. Kids tend to feel more secure when they are aware of what to expect next. You can keep your child calm and help them adapt to the new life by sticking to their daily routine and giving them their regular playtime and nap time even in the new home.
And last but not the least, allowing your child to express their feeling openly in front of you, will help them deal with the pent up emotions that might otherwise be detrimental to their mental well-being.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Divorce is difficult time for everyone. The couple go through a series of emotional and psychological changes and adjust to the new life. But apart from the parents, the effect of divorce on children is equally painful. Sometimes it can get out of control as children behave differently in different situations.
Being a teenager can be tough. They are neither kids nor adults and sometimes they act differently because of this. And when the parents get divorced, the effect is unique for each teenager.
Adjustment problems
Research has shown that in the first two years after divorce, teenagers have a hard time coping up with the truth. Adjustment becomes difficult and they show varied behaviors. But as time passes, the situation becomes better. They accept the fact that their parents won’t be together anymore and start adjusting to the new life. Most of the teenagers won’t face any negative effects when they grow up.
Emotional and psychological effects
Children have pure emotions and they show what they feel. But in teenagers, it may not always be the same. Witnessing a divorce can be tough for them. They sometimes show an outburst of emotions or don’t show anything at all. As kids, they’ve looked up to their parents as role models and the behavior of parents affects them. If parents use criticism to deal with a certain problem during a divorce, then automatically teenagers feel that criticism is a tool to handle such situations. Similarly, other emotions like anger and fear become a common part of their daily routine to deal with problems.
Feeling distress during a hostile environment is not exclusive to teenagers. It is what each of us do when put in similar situations. When teens witness, their family falling apart, they too feel distressed. Psychological studies show that blood pressure and heart rate increases in children who witness adults fighting. Over time the psychology changes and can result in negative results.
Effect on academic performance
Teens undergoing psychological and emotional changes have a hard time concentrating on their academic performance. So, naturally, their grades go down. This is very evident in intelligent children who have fared better than their peers in school. The drop in grades is due to emotional problems and not due to emotions. Even teachers find it hard to teach teens undergoing emotional issues. With more and more parents getting divorced each year, the number of such teens are increasing.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Talking to your little one about your divorce can be rightly touted as one of the most awkward and stressful conversations you will ever have with him. It is perplexing for your child to understand the concept of a broken family and why he doesn’t get to live with both his parents anymore. Although, a majority of school going kids are familiar with the idea of single parent families, with their friends or peers having one of their parent living apart, it is difficult for them to accept it as a personal fate. However, by incorporating strategic planning based on honesty and emotional reassurance, you can take the sting out of the harsh reality and make them accept your separation for what it really is.
Break the news on a unified front
It is best to chalk out a suitable plan with your spouse and talk to your kid about the divorce together. It is more comforting for a child when he sees that both his parents are together in the decision of separating and have a mutual understanding over it. When both his mommy and daddy tell him that they are separating because of the constant unhappiness in the family due to their conflicts, it is easier for a child to accept the divorce as a practical reality of life and refrain from blaming himself for the split.
Reassure them of your love
The one obvious concern of a child witnessing a parental separation is that he will no longer receive their love and care. It is essential for you to comfort your child with simple words of reassurance and make him understand that a divorce will not change your compassion for him. You must make it a point to make your child realize that it is not his fault that you are no longer going to live together as a family.
Spare them the ugly details
Sharing inappropriate intricacies of your marital conflicts and divorce will do your child no good and only make the situation worse by leaving him confused. It is difficult for young children to understand how disliking each other can become so grave a problem that you decide to part ways. Bad mouthing your spouse for their unreasonable behavior, or showcasing your feelings of resentment and anger in front of your little one will make the situation even more hostile for him.
The emotional traumas of childhood can stay within the psyche of a child and make him grow up with skewed notions about life and its offerings. It is therefore important to help your child deal with the negativity of a divorce and accept it as a part of life rather than the end of it.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
In a majority of divorce cases, both the parties involved are caught up in a perpetual cycle of resentment and retaliation. Both partners are willing to go to extremes in trying to avenge the psychological damage a divorce brings to them. However, if a child is involved in a parental separation, the situation becomes even worse. In order to create a peaceful transition from a happy family to a single parent upbringing for your child, you need to ensure that the co-parenting is carried out amicably with the other parent. There are a few co-parenting guidelines which you may follow in order to achieve minimum stress for your child.
Understanding your divorce settlement
Most of the co-parenting issues stem from a misunderstanding of the divorce settlement, which often leads to skewed notions about how one needs to carry out co-parenting. Asking questions regarding the visitation arrangement and having a sound understanding of its instructions is critical to a smooth co parenting procedure. Fighting over who will take the kid out on Halloween or what is the duration of the visit will be highly detrimental to the mental well being of your child. Since separate states have separate laws for visitation and custody related settlements, you need to consult your attorney and obtain a thorough understanding of what your divorce decree entails.
Think practical
It is understandable that in a highly hostile situation such as a divorce, the parties involved find it extremely difficult and draining to fight back their overflowing emotions. However, if you really care about the best interests of your child, it is utmost essential to do away with all lies, manipulation and resentment that might fuel your battle further. While it might seem tempting to vent all your pent up anger at every chance you get, it is best advised to remove all extreme emotions from your communication with your spouse.
Prevent any outside influence
It is best to keep your new spouse or partner out of the co parenting process with your ex. Asking your new boyfriend to pick the kids up from a dance class, will do no good in subduing the hostility with your ex. A replacement for your ex might actually be viewed as a threat to them, and might provoke unsolicited arguments. It is best advised to keep your new involvements away from co-parenting, until both you and your ex are emotionally detached in an entirety.
It is only when both parties become indifferent of each other’s existence, that the co-parenting actually becomes peaceful. Although, till the time both parties get affected by each other’s actions, the process might require a lot of effort from both sides, yet it is definitely worth a shot.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
As thousands of couples decide to end their marriages every year, their kids are also affected in the process. But their reactions will depend to a large extent on their personality, the circumstances under which the parents decided to separate and their age. Kids often get affected when their parent’s divorce. Often, the first reaction these children go through is that of sorry, anger, frustration, sadness, and shock. However, these children can deal these feelings in a better way as they know how to cope up with stress. As an end result, many of them are more tolerant and flexible when they become young adults. At such trying times, the most crucial things both the parents can do are to help their children steer through it by taking the following steps:
Gerald A. Maggio is a trained Orange County divorce mediator who has amicably resolved cases many cases out of court, as well as an experienced divorce and family law attorney. Mr. Maggio founded California Divorce Mediators in 2012 with the belief that although “not every marriage can be saved, every family can” and a mission to save families from the financial and emotional distress associated with traditional divorce litigation. California Divorce Mediators is located in Irvine, California, and serves the Orange County area and other counties in California offering divorce mediation, child custody mediation and mediation of other family law matters. 
