Some spouses use a psychological phenomenon called Emotional Divorce if they feel their marriage is now a threat for their very well-being. If you opt for an Emotional Divorce from your spouse, you are actually segregating your emotions and feelings from the marriage. This is felt by some couples even before a divorce. However for other, it happens only post the divorce process, in a majority of the cases, divorce is a one-sided affair. It is a very rare phenomenon when a couple sits down and arrives at a consensus to divorce one another. This is typically when a spouse is no longer emotionally attached to his or her marriage and wants to obtain a divorce. This spouse has already gone through the divorce emotionally and now wants to legally get unattached from their spouse.
Walk-away and left-behind spouses
There are cases when some spouses go through years of struggles as they emotionally feel distant from their spouses prior to arriving at a conclusion that divorce is the ultimate solution to all those marital problems they are going through or how they feel emotionally about the marriage, such spouses are known as “walk-away spouses”.
There could be various reasons for walk-away spouses to feel emotionally detached from their partners. The most common technique to remain emotionally detached from a marriage is when the spouse starts drawing boundaries they feel hurt or believe that the marriage is no longer safe for him or her.
When a spouse goes for an Emotional Divorce, it will be helpful in maintaining some kind of a psychological integrity whey face an emotionally disturbed situation.
Ideally, Emotional Divorce for some happens before a legal divorce as they felt that there was a strong requirement to protect and withdraw themselves from their marital problems.
A left-behind spouse is one who has to cope with his or her feelings and emotions post the legal divorce. But irrespective of the kind of role that you will be playing, it is imperative for you to handle the divorce process in a mature manner and start viewing yourself like a separate individual not as a wife or a husband.
No matter if you are the wife or the husband, emotional divorce from marriage is possible. However, this phenomenon is more prevalent in women as compared to men.
Having control over your feelings
A left behind spouse usually has a tendency to look for avenues for controlling the situation. These spouses did not see the warning symptoms, symptoms that hinted that their marriage was shaky and feel at a loss to understand how they should respond. As such, their response becomes such that drove their walk-away spouse even further away emotionally.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
When a marriage is on the verge of a collapse, both the parties may say things they do not mean out of anger and frustration. If you cool down a bit and take a rationalistic view, you will realize that although both you and your spouse have entered into the marriage with complete consent, you are not giving the efforts of late that you had been giving in the beginning of your relationship. Some of them include:
Both of you have stopped complimenting one another
You are not willing to help each other anymore
You have stopped speaking about your feelings
Both of you have stopped complementing one another
It is possible that if you give some space to one another, both of you will realize the important aspects of your marriage that seem to have fallen apart. Do you feel that is the case between both of you? If that is so, separating legally from your spouse can be the most suitable alternative for you. While making a decision on whether to opt for a trial separation or a permanent one, you may go through a lot of emotional upheavals. Though separating from your spouse may appear to be the best thing to do, chances are that it may not be the most suitable action for you.
How you decide to spend the time of your separation is very crucial when you and your spouse take a call to separate. You should use the time to get some useful perspective and retrospect on the pros and cons of your marriage. While such a phase in your life can be shocking, you can utilize it well by following the tips mentioned below:
Do not spend all your free time alone
It is the perfect time to meet up your family and friends who can help you to cope up in this transitional phase in your life. You should use the time to spend some time with your nephew or visit your parents or grandparents. It is crucial to contact your social circle especially since an important chunk of your social circle could have walked out the door.
You should also make an effort to enjoy your “me” time
Irrespective of how unhealthy or happy your marriage was, there is likelihood that you both you and your partner spent a lot of time in each other’s company. Although, it may not have been quality time, yet it was time nevertheless. So, now that you are separated, utilize your time to enjoy moments of solitude and peace. It is also the right time for you to follow your hobbies or passion. Try reigniting a hobby, which you might not have followed for a while. You can also listen to some lively music to recharge and revitalize you. However, do not spend this time to indulge in self-pity. Sulking and sitting alone think about the past cannot heal your pain.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Sometimes, children can get unconsciously hurt by their parents while the divorce proceedings are going on or after the divorce. There are some adults who may even cause distress knowingly as their anger can drive their attitude and behavior. But here are a few things that can be done to show respect and good will to your former spouse even after your divorce.
Be courteous to your former spouse when your children are present
Do not lose an opportunity to teach your children on how to control or conceal grudges as well as be polite even if they may be feeling bitter from inside. After all, your kids need not know that their other parent is pushing your button. They simply need to appreciate the fact that your behavior is immaculate despite such negative and ugly behavior from the other side.
Accept and reiterate the fact that your ex’s presence is important in the lives of your children
In case your children value your former spouse, it will be sensible that as your child’s other parent you consider their feelings.
Show maturity while responding to your former spouse’s phone calls and emails
You need to understand something while dealing with your ex, especially when it is about not hurting your children’s feelings. It takes less effort to be humble and polite rather than bring furious with your former spouse. It has been often seen that exes ignore to respond to the emails of the other parent and do not want to sort out issues in an amicable manner. While you could have a feeling that your ex-does do not deserve a good behavior from you but the world is definitely a nicer place when both of you attempt to be good to one another. You may be unaware but how you behave will set an example for your little ones who will also learn how to be well-mannered and civil when they become adults
Do not create a situation where your kids may have to take sides or may feel unsure what they should do
There are instances when the relationship between the former spouses is so bad that one could not attend the functions in their child’s school when the other is attending. Sometimes, such situations may even turn into a sort of power struggle between the two parents Avoid creating situations where your children need to take the side of one of you since such scenarios can be quite distressful for your little ones.
Your actions should demonstrate that the respect of your ex is crucial for you
If you want to get respect, you should be willing to show your respect to the other parent. In case the trust factor was lost while the divorce proceedings were going on, it is time you rebuild them.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Divorce triggers both kids as well as adults to make several adjustments and face tough challenges. However, there is a difference in how each child responds to their parent’s divorce. While a majority of them will handle these challenges with maturity and sensibility and grow up into well-adjusted adults, there are some kids who go through behavioral and emotional difficulties when their parents go through a divorce. And though there are differences in the long-term reaction in a child to the divorce of their parents, many kids may go through emotional distress and emotions like conflicts, confusion, guilt, fury, anxiety, and sadness in the short-term. Such emotions pop up when there is a question of loyalty towards their parents and a strong desire to spend more time with their absent parent.
When you notice the following symptoms of distress within your kid, you need to take appropriate action such as taking them to a therapist so that they can overcome their emotional problems when your divorce comes through.
Drastic change in academic performance
Do you find your kid is showing dismal performance in the tests? Is he losing interest in his school activities? This could be a telltale sign that he is emotionally disturbed.
Refuses to spend time with his/her parent
When there is no issue of child abuse in a family and yet a kid shows an unwillingness to spend their time with the parent, it can be a symptom that the kid feels the requirement of taking sides. A child should not feel that they are forcefully put in a situation where they have to select one parent over their other.
Increase in certain type of physical complaints
When you find them complaining about their physical conditions such as stomach aches or headaches quite often, it may mean that they are going through a tough time to come up with the divorce of their parents. Allergy, stomachaches, and headaches are some of the most common symptoms that your kid is going through an emotional distress.
Prolonged and significant change in the behavior
You have always known that your child to be extremely polite bit you may find them being inconsiderate all of a sudden when your divorce case is going on. Your outgoing, gregarious and talkative kid can express less interest in social activities and friends.
Does not show keenness to engage in family, school, athletic or social activities
This is another important symptom that your children are clinically depressed as a result of your divorce from your spouse.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
While you are negotiating your divorce settlement, it is imperative for you to make certain rational decisions on the basis of sheer logic rather than your emotions. In case the couples cannot be flexible or logical, it may take several years for the courts to grant them a divorce decree. The delay happens mainly due to the reason that these couples’ negative emotions dictate their behaviors. Hence, the divorce related expenses also go up. It is important to have a check on your behaviors so that you can take decisions sensibly during this crucial juncture of your life. Many times, divorce leads to a huge dent in the savings as the individuals concerned behaved in a way that prolonged the case for many years. An important point to note in this context is because your former spouse was non-aggressive during your marriage does not necessarily mean that they will remain like that after the divorce has been filed in the court. Check out some of these behaviors that may increase the expenses related to your divorce.
Trying to numb your agony by spending
When spending excessive money on your shopping sprees, especially during your divorce, the repercussions are quite obvious. The main point here is that your assets are getting depleted that is quite important for you to survive after your divorce comes through. Another negative impact could be that when you go overboard while spending, the court may instruct you to repay the amount you spent to your former spouse as a part of the settlement for the final divorce. To make it even simpler for you to understand, when you spend money, which is regarded as a marital asset, the court could hold you accountable for it.
Unable to come to terms with the present situation
There is hardly anyone who wants to go through an unwanted divorce. Just because you do not desire to go through a divorce does not mean that you have to become an emotionally paralyzed person and not being able to take legal care for yourself. When you are stuck with negative feelings and refuse to come to terms with the actual reality, there could be inaction on your part. This may in turn make your ex take advantage of the situation and control the divorce process, costing you a lot financially.
Overlooking what could be at stake
Many people get baffled about what divorce is all about. A common sight in divorce court is furious people fighting with one another and ignoring the implications on their finances. Since divorce can be a costly affair, it makes sense not to get driven by your emotions and act according to the best of your financial interests.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
When you plan for vacations after your separation or divorce, it should be done with a great deal of caution. It is better to stay away from situations that may trigger conflict pretension right in front of your kids.
Here are some comforting and cool tips to explore co-parenting while a vacation is on to ensure that your kids are adequately buffered from the harsh realities of life.
You can collaborate with the other parent so that logistics can be planned in advance
Collaborating in advance will be helpful in setting up new traditions especially when you pay heed to the wishes of your children and get support from your extended family members. On most of the occasions, kids hardly have much control or say over the plans and scheduling of their parents. Thus, when you give them some sort of a control over the traditions and on certain activities, they will feel excited about their vacation instead of being apprehensive about the possible changes,
Stop asking your children to select between father and mother
Both children and their parents benefit when special occasions and vacations are shared equally. On many occasions, the way a holiday gets split may also depend on how old the kids are, whether there is any involvement of travel and how far is one parent’s home from the other.
The true spirit of the vacations should be communicated non-verbally as well as through words
Most holidays involve emotions like giving, peace, love and caring. Whenever the kids spend time with one of the parents, it is natural for the other parent may feel sad and lonely during holidays. However, it makes sense to realize that kids should experience togetherness with both their parents, There is no harm and letting your kid know that you will miss them when they are away but will be fine. Avoid situations where our children start feeling guilty or responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being. While the temptation to tell them that you will miss them a lot and do not know how you will cope in their absence, rephrase it slightly.
Tell them you are sure that you are sure that they will have a great time with the other parent and you will wait to hear all about the holiday. Have a plan in advance so that you have your friends or family near you when the kids are away. Such an action will help you to manage your own emotional requirements in their absence. You should hope that your kids feel free and enjoy their vacation with their other parent and stop worrying about you.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
It may so happen that when the parent’s divorce or separate, the school of their kids may be closed. But the transition from holiday fun to homework and routines will soon start. Beginning a fresh school year or a new academic session can be stressful for the children as well as their parents. However, if the separation or the divorce got finalized during a summer, it could be baffling for all concerned. After all, there are several new details to be handled. So, it is best to have a strong co-parenting plan in place for the best interests of the child to ensure that everyone is in sync prior to the re opening of the school. Check out some tips that will come handy for the divorced parents so that the new school year is organized and positive for the children.
School authorities should be updated about the divorce
Parents should take out some time before the school starts its new session. They should get in touch with the concerned school authorities and explain them about the new family situation. However, they need not furnish specific details. Teachers will be benefited when they learn the new dynamics and home schedule when there is a joint custody. They can then keep a close tab on if the concerned child is demonstrating any kind of emotional impact as aftereffects. The school authorities should include both the child’s parents on their mailing lists for field trips, fund raisers, updates, and newsletters. There are several teachers who make efforts to arrange for separate parent teacher meetings in case such a request is made. Both parents should try to put aside their personal issues and differences for the best interests of the meeting and their kids. However, I’d it is not possible to do so; there could be two separate meetings with each of the parents so that the child is not stressed.
Create a shared calendar online
An academic year in the school has different kinds of activities all through the year. It could be tough for the entire family to remember or keep track of all of them. When the divorced parents have a shared time schedule, they can be in the loop and know those activities and transportation or supplies required for these activities. Parents can also have a proper tab on exams, conferences, report cards, permission slips needed apart from all other important information that they should know.
Both parents should distribute the supply list
Each parent need not begin to purchase supplies. Else, their child may have an excess of the same supplies or may miss out others. Rather, both the parents should divide the list so that their kid can find specific items with each parent.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Although you may be divorced now and you are bringing up your kids on your own, not is still your responsibility to ensure that your kid feels secure and safe after the divorce. Follow the below-mentioned tips to make your kid feel protected even after you get divorced.
Your children should get proper care
Since there will be two households after the divorce, both the parents need to work on a majority of occasions. But when there are younger kids at home, you become highly dependent on childcare. So, select a reputable child care provider where you children will love to spend their time. So, do not just leave your kids with anyone. It is better not to have someone with your child who is just a casual acquaintance of you. Do proper homework on the childcare center or the person where you will leave your child. When your children are sad or mistreated, it gets reflected in their behavior.
They should have a place that they can call their home
Kids do not go to their father’s house or your mother’s hours. They just want to return to their homes. Parents can go for an arrangement so that the child does not have to shift from their family home even after the divorce. In case either you or your partner are not okay with such an arrangement, both of you need to ensure that your kids have a proper roof and a place where are secure and safe irrespective of whether they are residing either their daddy or mommy. It means they love to have their own room so that they can call their friends overt. Their home should be in a safe neighborhood or in a good school district.
They should have a responsible adult to depend on
Divorce can embitter the ex-spouses against each other and emotions can rule over sensibility. However, your children need not be a privy to your arguments and bickering. If you and your former spouse are not careful, it can have a negative impact on the security of your family. So, behave like an adult in front of your kids, no matter what you are feeling.
Parent should be good provider
Your kids require good food, a periodic outing like going for a movie, new shoes, and clothes. So, you should ensure that you have a stable job. You need all the extra bucks to give a comfortable life to your kids even after the divorce. In case you are a daddy, do not simply leave your job with an intention to shell out fewer payments for child support. On the other hand, if you are a mom and stay at home, it is time you start working too instead of completely depending on child support.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
It is not an easy task to tell your kids that your spouse and you are getting divorced. However, you can still make things to a certain extent when you abide by a simple plan formed on the basis of emotional comfort and truth. Check out some of the tips mentioned below to tell your children that you are divorcing their other parent.
Your children are not responsible for this situation and they should know this
The best way you can alleviate the pain of your kids is by telling them the reason why you are separating. However, explain them in such a manner that is easy for them to digest. Whatever is the truth and what you disclose to the children need not necessarily match. After all, it is not your kids’ fault and they need to be told this fact so that they do not feel guilty or unsure.
Maintain civility with your estranged or ex-spouse in front of the children
When you establish mutually agreed upon and clear expectations as well as boundaries about your divorce, your children will be less apprehensive and anxious. There should be proper clarity in the messages that are sent about your separation or divorce and the possible transitions thereafter. Your child may get baffled when he or she hears conflicting words from the people they trust the most in their lives. You may not have similar kind of parenting styles or not agree upon on day-to-day operations, when there is a unified front; your children are going to benefit from it.
Do not share information that is not apt for your kids
Avoid discussing adult details with them. There is a possibility that they will not even understand what you are trying to tell them and may even start resenting you for various reasons. It could be because you are using nasty words against the other parents offering them a concealed request for judging the prevailing situation and maybe even try to overburden them with your grief and predicament. Simply share with them what they must know and the communication should take place in a sincere and honest manner. After all, your focus should be on the children instead of on the grown-ups.
Stop playing the blame game
It is definite that you are aware of the cause of your separation. But your children need not know the actual reason. When you blame your soon-to-be former spouse for the impending divorce, there is a possibility that you are trying to poke your child to take sides. You need to remember that it is unhealthy for your kid to feel that that the other parent should be blamed for the divorce or the separation.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Are kids really affected after their parents’ divorce? It is a difficult question to answer for sure. Different children may react or behave differently to their parents’ divorce. On many occasions, how the parents conduct themselves before their kids and how the children handle the situation.
As the rate of divorce continues to grow all over the world, there are quite a few parents who wonder how their kids get affected by the divorce. Though children may come across some of their friends whose parents are also divorcing, they still have problems in coming to terms with the same thing happening in their own family many of these kids lament about the lists of their old family life that they were used to living. This just goes on to prove how affected they could be by their parents’ divorce.
How children may get negatively affected by a divorce
When kids do not get the support that they require while their parents get divorced, there may be some of the negative effects explained below:
Disappointing academic results
Kids may have trouble in focusing and concentrating while they are studying when he or she goes through deep anxiety. They may be depressed and become callous about studying unlike before when they led a normal family life.
Feel isolated
In order to come to terms with the fact their parents are soon getting divorced, some kids are known to isolate themselves completely from their parents, friends or other family members. Such isolation may aggravate matters further as it will give these kids time to ponder upon their parents’ divorce in certain ways, which may not be correct. In fact, they can even blame themselves since they will not like to share their thoughts with anyone rose, eventually leading to depression.
Behave rebelliously
Kids may get upset with what is happening to their parents. Their fury may have a ripple effect while attending school and have a negative impact on their camaraderie with the friends and other classmates. While many parents pay regard this issue as a passing phase, things can take a bad turn if not checked on time.
Bad peer group
There could be situations when some children may start feeling that they are not getting proper care and attention at their homes. So, they will try to get that from elsewhere, like bad peer groups who may have a negative influence on them. Moreover, since parents are busy sorting out their own problems, they may forget to console their little ones.
To learn more about the divorce process in California and how mediation can help, please visit our page, What is Divorce Mediation.
Some spouses use a psychological phenomenon called Emotional Divorce if they feel their marriage is now a threat for their very well-being. If you opt for an Emotional Divorce from your spouse, you are actually segregating your emotions and feelings from the marriage. This is felt by some couples even before a divorce. However for other, it happens only post the divorce process, in a majority of the cases, divorce is a one-sided affair. It is a very rare phenomenon when a couple sits down and arrives at a consensus to divorce one another. This is typically when a spouse is no longer emotionally attached to his or her marriage and wants to obtain a divorce. This spouse has already gone through the divorce emotionally and now wants to legally get unattached from their spouse.
Gerald A. Maggio is a trained Orange County divorce mediator who has amicably resolved cases many cases out of court, as well as an experienced divorce and family law attorney. Mr. Maggio founded California Divorce Mediators in 2012 with the belief that although “not every marriage can be saved, every family can” and a mission to save families from the financial and emotional distress associated with traditional divorce litigation. California Divorce Mediators is located in Irvine, California, and serves the Orange County area and other counties in California offering divorce mediation, child custody mediation and mediation of other family law matters. 
